Probably the Best Advice Column You'll Ever Read

So you may have noticed that I've been a little...uh...slack on the blog updates these days. It's pretty amazing considering that I'm really not doing anything else. I mostly just sit around all day eating nacho cheesier Doritos, crushing beer cans against my forehead, and watching biographical specials on the fascinating lives of Britney Spears and K-Fed. Oh wait. Not my life. Actually, I've been pretty busy with moving, graduation, and wedding-related plans. But never fear, faithful blog readers. This post signals the first of many weekly (hopefully) advice columns. Weekly advice! For free!! From me!!!

This week's installment, in honor of Mother's Day: Are You My Mother? And if you are, would you please take me out of the graduation ceremony/worship service/library/wedding/funeral when I begin to cry hysterically?

OK, all you babies' Mamas. Here's the deal. Babies cry. This is a fact of life, and one we all, even those of us who are childless, accept. We do not begrudge babies for this. We do, however, child-rearing and child-fearing alike, begrudge parents who continue to sit in a movie theatre/library/church service/graduation ceremony/wedding/funeral when their baby begins to cry. Clearly, baby is not being entertained. And, while you may be (being entertained, that is), everyone else around you is getting angry at you. Not at your baby -- at YOU. You have legs. And arms. Most of you, anyway. Gather up your baby and walk out.

This can be facilitated by (A) sitting in the back and (B) sitting on the end of the row. This way, you don't have to climb over other people in order to get your baby away from the increasingly angry mob. Again, not angry at the baby. Babies do not want to sit through their second cousin's wife's college graduation. Babies do not understand Baccalaureate. Babies don't care for brides and grooms. Babies don't like Tom Cruise movies. (Heck, most adults don't like those either.) Babies like to play. And be fed. And poop. And sleep. And when they cry in one of the aforementioned circumstances, it might be because they aren't getting/doing one of these things. The solution is simple: gather up your baby and walk out.

Or, I could introduce you to this fabulous invention called The Babysitter.


(He's crying because graduation ceremonies are BORING! He doesn't want to be there! Take him home, please!)