Some of you may remember when I tried writing a more-or-less weekly "advice column." And, if you remember that, you probably also remember when I stopped writing these advice columns. You may have even asked yourself, "why, WHY did she stop giving out free advice?!?!" And you may have cried, too. I don't know.
For those who want to know, there are two reasons why I stopped, and neither of them relate to having concerns for offending people who read my blog. Sorry if you thought I was that sensitive to the emotions of others. Anyway, the first reason I stopped the column is that I have absolutely no discipline. So sue me. The second reason? It's my blog and I can do whatever I want with it. You people and your expectations! Eesh.
In the interest of trying to write more frequently, however, I'm making an executive decision to reinstate the advice column. Lucky you, right? And here's my advice for today. Actually, it's advice you can use every day. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Especially if you're a dude, because they are the ones to whom this advice is addressed. So guys, listen up:
THROW AWAY YOUR JEAN SHORTS. Just throw them out. Start a fire with them, make a quilt out of them, eat them for their high fiber content, but please, PLEASE do not wear them as actual clothing anymore. I'm not only referring to cut-off jean shorts, but ALL jean shorts. If they are shorts, and they are made from jean material, stop wearing them. You can replace them with flat-front khaki shorts, or some hip cargo-style shorts (as long as it doesn't look like you could carry your entire family in the pockets), or go naked for all I care. Just stop with the jean shorts. I'm begging you.
And, while I'm dispensing fashion advice for you guys, let me say this as well: when wearing a polo shirt or a dress shirt, WEAR AN UNDERSHIRT. A whole pack of undershirts costs like 10 bucks, and you'll enjoy two benefits from wearing one. First, your nipples will thank you, because they won't be chafing against the synthetic and/or woven fibers of your outershirt. Second, people will stop talking about you and your nipples behind your back. (Because if you aren't wearing an undershirt, people are talking about you and your nipples behind your back. And they are probably comparing you to Phil Mickelson, except that you aren't as rich as he is. Or as good at golf.)
While writing this, I've realized that I could go on and on. For instance, I would write a paragraph about how it is physically impossible to look good while wearing a short-sleeved dress shirt and tie (wear a jacket to disguise the short sleeves if you must), or how when I see someone wearing socks with sandals it makes me want to beat out my own brains, or how white socks DO NOT go with dress shoes, or how it looks ridiculous when you wear any shoe other than a sneaker (or maybe a flip-flop) with athletic wear. But I can't possibly cover it all.
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6 comments:
I must say, there's not a single piece of this advice with which I do not agree!!! :-D
It's a world full of fashion don'ts!
Susanna, they're called jorts, and they break my heart. I work with many jort-offenders, and am actually known as that girl who hates jorts. Le sigh.
Wow I did not realize I was being sized up fashoin wise when coming over to the Donald's for dinner I will think twice before I leave the door. Though as far as I know I do not make any of the mentioned fashion foepaws.
My favorite thing about this post is the picture of Mickelson. First, he's about 20 pounds heavier now. Second, when I clicked on the hyperlink, my computer told me that it was connecting to enquirer.com. That is hilarious!
Susanna! You are hilarious. Amen to the undershirt part -- I seriously think that is my worst pet peeve with guy's fashion, (or lack thereof).
So this is a long time in coming, but congratulations on your marriage! Jacob and Anne said it was just wonderful! Take care, and keep the good stuff comin'!
-heather from colorado :)
OK this guy is listening up,the jeans shorts are gone, no worries, and for me the undershirt is underneath most of the time, polos, dress shirts, even T's. You've said you prefer guys to wear undershirts, no nipples among other things,so you think a dude wearing a white crew undershirt which is visible at the neck is better than no undershirt at all? I hope so because I hate V necks, they feel strange and I rarely put on a "beater" White crew neck T feels right, I like the collar around my neck but not sure everyone agrees on the visibility part. I think lot's of guys would wear them more but have similar concerns.
Appreciate your advice and opinion.
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