When I was in college, I worked a seasonal job at Honeybaked Ham every Christmas. I liked it so much I affectionately nicknamed my workplace "Honeybaked Hell." You wouldn't believe how nutty people get over those stupid hams. I can say I witnessed at least three confrontations between customers that would have developed into all-out brawls had the store manager not stepped in. On Christmas Eve, people would wait in line for over an hour to get a ham. (Here are two free tips for those people: First, don't wait until Christmas Eve to pick up your ham for Christmas day. Second, Honeybaked Ham tastes like burnt hair. And it's overpriced. You would be better off not buying a ham from there at all. Seriously.)
There was a guy who worked at Honeybaked Ham named Ben. Ben was kind of...well, he was a bit strange. They didn't want him working with customers, and the guys in the back who glazed the hams didn't want him back there, so he pretty much stayed in the freezer or the cooler all day. I don't know, maybe the temperature affected his social abilities or something, because when I would go back to the freezer to "stock shelves" (read: to avoid the influx of increasingly despicable holiday ham connoisseurs like the ladies (plural) who would ask me to try and find them a ham without any fat on it; I mean, come on ladies, we're talking about the ass end of a pig), he wouldn't really talk to me. Mostly, he would sing Christmas carols.
You may think, "Wow, that guy must have had a great holiday spirit to sing Christmas carols while stocking shelves in a subzero freezer," but you would be wrong. I don't know if he changed the lyrics to all of the popular Christmas songs he knew, but his favorite thing to sing was "Stick Your Most Wonderful Time in Your Rear."
And now you can't get that out of your head, can you?
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5 comments:
susanna - i can get that song out of my head, what i can't get out of my head is the sight of these women wanting ham "with no fat" and your comment afterwards. i've read it several times and i laugh each time! too funny!
hope you are enjoying wilmore.
ken j
helloooooooo!
i know i don't even know you, but i was scanning the blog of a friend of a friend of mine and found this: :http://furmanfriends04.blogspot.com/
if i was getting blog-props from strangers i'd want to know! how fun! so check out their post for 11/27
sweet mother of mary.... this made me laugh so hard I think I just wet myself. Absolute genius..
Yo, I cited this on my blog... It was THAT funny. See how you are honored here: http://suzieghq.spaces.live.com
Ham just kills me.
Wow Susanna, looks like your becoming quite popular with your post here. I would have never guessed someone who did a thesis on TS Eliot would get their writing break through writing about Honey Baked Ham and a pig's ass.
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