American Idol

I can't offer you any rational explanation for why I (and the rest of America, apparently) continue to watch this drek, but I'm watching season 300 billion of American Idol and feel compelled to offer my opinions regarding the contestants. Because I know you, Internet Audience, and you want to know what I think. You are, in fact, dying to know. I don't blame you.

I could make this season of American Idol very short. Right now, I can narrow it down to the top 6: Mandisa, Chris, Paris, Eliot, Katherine, Taylor. But this robs you of my deeper thoughts on the contestants. And I don't want to do that to you. So here it is, blow-by-blow:

Ace Young: He has an OK voice, but let's be honest. The reason people are voting for him is because he is hot. And if this competition was "Hot Idol," he'd win. Unfortunately for him, it's a singing competition, and I believe his looks will only go so far. However, we do live in a society that has made people like Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, and Paris Hilton into huge stars, so clearly one doesn't have to back up one's looks with substance or talent. Ace just might make it, too.

Bucky Covington: His name is Bucky for cryin' out loud. He needs to go. I say this with unparalleled urgency. He's from somewhere around Winston Salem, I think, so his family/friends/girlfriend keep showing up on the local news. I don't need two doses of Bucky, people. He can carry a tune, sure, but the only place where he will make a real impact is in a karaoke bar.

Chris Daughtry: He is very talented; I think he could be touring with some rock band and selling records already. I don't know if America will get tired of his "rock-star" take on every single song; he doesn't have the greatest stylistic range. But he's really good at what he does, and he's going to be a star whether he wins this competition or not.

Eliott Yamin: I think he's a good singer, but the constituency voting for pretty-boy Ace might take votes away from non-pretty-boy Eliott. Even though Eliot could out-sing Ace any day. He doesn't have the same charisma as some of the other contestants -- this might hurt him in the long run.

Katherine McPhee: She's super-talented. I think she is better than Kelly Clarkson. She has range, vocally and stylistically; she's pretty; she's likable. She'll be around for awhile.

Kellie Pickler: She can definitely sing, and she's cute and sweet, so America will keep voting for her. I just don't think she has the same kind of talent as Mandisa, Paris, or Katharine. And her dumb blonde stuff is a little annoying. Let's not promote another Jessica Simpson, people. Please.

Kevin Covais: He really does look like Chicken Little! But he isn't that strong vocally. I'm ready for him, and his jokes about his "sex-symbol status," to GO. I wouldn't mind if the sky did fall, while he was singing. Is that harsh? Maybe a little? It's a tough business, folks. (Because I know.)

Lisa Tucker: Good voice, but mainly forgettable. The show ended 9 minutes ago and I couldn't tell you a single thing about her performance. Even if she is good, she isn't as good as some of the others.

Mandisa: She can sing and she has only one name. That equals cool in my book. Very, very talented. I hope she stays around for sure.

Paris Bennett: She rocks. I love her voice, because it is totally unexpected. She's a throwback to some of those old classic singers, and I think she, like Chris, will be a star whether she wins AI or not. She redeems the name Paris.

Taylor Hicks: He's my favorite, by far. He's unique, he's a great singer, he doesn't look like the typical "American Idol contestant," he loves music, and he's from Alabama. I hope he wins, but if he doesn't, I think he'll be around until at least the top five.

So, there it is. We'll see how well I've done as far as predictions go. This week, either Bucky or Kevin will go. If wishful thinking has any bearing on the outcome, that is...