Whenever I go shopping, I always brace myself for the inevitable encounter with the dreaded shop employees. I have nothing against these people as individuals; I'm sure they are probably very nice, and their mothers love them and all that. I can even appreciate that they most likely hate their jobs and are desperate to break the monotony of the world of retail. Plus, many of them work on commission, which just stinks. Believe me, I don't want to disparage the retail workers of America (especially when I remember my own wretched experience peddling nasty hams).
Nevertheless, disparage I must. I have always thought that there was a kind of understanding between shopper and salesperson. The understanding plays itself out in a variety of ways, the most recognizable being the method of initial contact. A shopper walks into a store full of items she does not need. The salesperson notices the shopper. A short dialogue takes place:
Salesperson: Hello. Welcome to the World of Stuff. Can I help you find anything today?
Shopper: No thanks. I'm just looking.
Salesperson: All right. Let me know if I can do anything for you.
Allow me to translate this dialogue for you.
Salesperson: Hello. Welcome to this store full of overpriced stuff that you don't need. I can't believe you shop here, loser. Would you like for me to tell you about all the items we have on sale and try to make you buy stuff?
Shopper: Leave me alone.
Salesperson: Damn you. I work on commission.
Most of the time, following this little exchange, the salesperson leaves the shopper alone. THAT IS THE UNDERSTANDING. When an employee doesn't abide by the rules of engagement, the whole thing goes bad, and you (or me; maybe this is all just my own anti-social behavior) end up struggling not to punch the salesperson in order to get them to leave you (again, me) alone. The dialogue then goes something like this (translations are italicized in parentheses):
Salesperson: Hello. Welcome to the World of Stuff. Can I help you find anything today? (Hello. Welcome to this store full of overpriced stuff that you don't need. I can't believe you shop here, loser. Would you like for me to tell you about all the items we have on sale and try to make you buy stuff?)
Shopper: No thanks. I'm just looking. (Leave me alone)
Salesperson: All right. Let me know if I can do anything for you. And allow me to mention that our sterling silver screwdrivers are on sale. Two for the price of one. (Damn you. I work on commission. YOU WILL BUY SOMETHING.)
Shopper: That's great. I'm just going to browse for now. (When I said "Leave me alone," I meant it. Don't push me.)
Salesperson: We also have a great deal on our gold-encrusted VHS tapes. They're really great collectible items. 20% off. (YOU WILL BUY THE MOST GODAWFUL THING I CAN SELL YOU.)
Shopper: OK, thanks. (Remember when you asked me to let you know if you could do anything for me? Well, you can. You could SHUT UP. That would be great.)
Salesperson: I noticed you looking at our platinum teething rings. We have some other lovely items for baby over here as well. Are you shopping for yourself? (Time to change tactics. I will do ANYTHING to make you buy something. I must keep talking.)
Shopper: I'm really just browsing. (If I punched you in the face, would you press charges?)
Salesperson: OK, well, let me know if I can help you with anything. (I wish I had laser beams in my eyes so that I could kill you with them.)
Shopper: I will, thanks. (Quick, while her back is turned, make a break for the door!)
I guess this is why I'm not a frequent shopper. I simply can't handle it when the lines of communication break down like that.
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8 comments:
I know, from personal experience as a jewelry girl who worked on comission, that we were REQUIRED to turn into junk peddling jackasses whenever the boss was around. It was his job to make sure no one left the premises unmolested. It sucks, because you can actually watch yourself behaving in this terrible way, and feel the loathing emenating off of people like yourself, who rightly are irate to be pandered arm loads of crap to.
Oh heavens. I snorted when I read your comment. Like a laughter snort, not a derisive snort. I especially like the fact that you seem to be channeling Hunter S. Thompson with your "you can actually watch yourself behaving in this terrible way." Cheers to that. :-)
It bothers me more when I'm asked if I want the store credit card, to which I always politely decline. The resulting look on their faces is sheer horror:
Them:"Are you sure sir? You can get 10% off of your purchase today. I think you really want this credit card, and if you decline again you're surely an idiot who doesn't know anything."
Me:"I hate you. Please kill yourself."
I love that you caught old Uncle Hunter in my comment -- I only left out the part about looking like a drunk in some early Irish novel.
Working in retail made me often wish I was drunk or had psychadelic drugs, so HST was apropos...
I had one of these experiences yesterday in Victoria's Secret -- even worse than your average store. The girl greeted me. I politely declined her help. She then proceeded to FOLLOW ME around the store asking me more questions about the Angels card. Now, I always like to shop in solitude, but when I'm looking at underwear, I don't want even a close friend with me -- much less a complete stranger looking over my shoulder "helping" me. Ick!!! She followed me to three separate parts of the store before I shook her. Geez, lady! Take the hint!!!
Dear The Suse,
Please visit http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19088976?GT1=10056
and blog accordingly, if you wish. Tell Nole-man I miss his hugs.
Gabe
Hilarious and painfully true.
Oh dear, I thought I was the only one that felt that way x33 I don't really like being around people so much... and I like it less when they're trying to get me buy stuff I don't need! x) ~
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