Testing, testing...

On Saturday, I took a test to begin the process of certification for teaching in Texas. It was a 5-hour multiple-choice test with an essay component, much like the GRE, only it was specifically for the content areas covered by an English/Language Arts teacher in grades 8-12. Now, I knew going in that this test was a big deal. They won't let you teach in Texas unless you pass it, which means you need to get at least 70% of the questions right. What I didn't realize was that Saturday was the state-wide testing extravaganza, and that security surrounding such an event rivals the security procedures surrounding the President of the United States, U.S. airports, and the Mona Lisa combined.

First of all, there were people stationed in the parking lot barking orders at bleary-eyed test-takers (it was early). YOU MUST LEAVE YOUR CELL PHONES IN YOUR VEHICLES! ALL CELL PHONES MUST REMAIN OUTSIDE OF THE TESTING SITE! Fair enough. I mean, you don't want people texting their friends asking for the answer to number 42 or taking pictures of the test and selling them on the black market.

Once I walked into the building, there was a cell phone collection table set up for those people who were not paying attention to the folks screaming at them in the parking lot. Next to that table was a checkpoint for bags, hats, and other personal items. Test takers were allowed to take a bottle of water into the testing room, but all labels had to be removed. No cups, mugs, or otherwise opaque drink containers allowed. This meant I had to leave my flask of rum at the checkpoint.

After the absolute chaotic melee that was check-in, test takers were corralled into the cafeteria, reminded that no cell phones were allowed and that labels on water bottles must be removed. We passed through another security checkpoint on the way to our classrooms, where people were taking up stray hats, cups, and, strangely enough, cell phones. Did they miss the 32 bajillion other times cell phones were being taken up?

When I was excused to use the restroom, I was assigned a chaperone. This woman followed me into the bathroom and stood outside the stall while I peed. I felt slightly violated, thinking my chaperone suspected me of sneaking test answers on site in my digestive/renal system. I came out of the stall, half expecting my chaperone to don a pair of latex gloves and perform a body cavity search, you know, in case I had a cell phone in my ass. Luckily, she just let me wash my hands and followed me back to the classroom, wishing me a cheery "good luck!"