Kong is mad because his movie lasts TOO LONG. And because it doesn't have a plot. Or well-written dialogue. Or good acting. Kong is mad for all of these reasons, and that is why he is urging you to STAY AWAY FROM THIS MOVIE!
This wasn't, by any means, the worst movie ever, or even the worst movie I have ever seen. The sound was incredible, and most of the special effects were stunning. And those island natives? Creepy, man. I don't know what that witch-lady was saying to Naomi Watts...something about "masou igfdsny smofnsdiu msadnuhhf KONG jhsuern nuesug oydinre." Maybe that means "Try to use more than two or three facial expressions when acting in this KONG movie, lady." Obviously, Watts couldn't understand her, either:
Here's a little free advice: when one is on an island with bugs the size of Volkswagens (yeah, this could mean Skull Island OR Manhattan), it would be prudent for one to KEEP ONE'S MOUTH CLOSED. I'm just sayin'. (The woman's mouth is never closed. For THREE freakin' hours, her mouth is open, whether she's speaking or not.)
So, to save you all the necessity of watching this movie for yourownselves, here's a breakdown. Basically, 3 hours = 3 parts, 1 hour each. I think this must have been the starting point for the writers, because there isn't any real plot to speak of. The characters spend an hour on a boat, an hour on Skull Island, and an hour in New York. I would venture to guess that the hour on the boat was intended for character development, but each character remains pretty much one-dimensional through the entire thing. Do I care about the relationship between Adrian Brody and Naomi Watts? Do I care about Jack Black's insane need for fame at all costs? Will I care about these things at some point in the movie? Will the movie ever end? The answer, of course, is a resounding NO.
Once Naomi Watts has been given over to Kong, she spends a great deal of time clutched in one or the other of his giant ape-paws as he stampedes through the dense jungle. Oh, and she gets tossed around by some T-Rexes, too. But take a look at her face up there in one of those first two pictures. She looks kind of muddied up, certainly, but there isn't a scratch or a bruise anywhere to be seen. No blood. No wounds. Just some dirt. And her hair looks mighty fresh, even though she's been doused in water several times. And pounded into the mud. And clutched in the sweaty, dirty palm of a big monkey. But whatev.
So I guess after Kong saves her from the T-Rexes, she decides that she kind of likes him, and he, ape though he is, clearly likes her too. But Adrian Brody comes to take her back to civilization, and Jack Black decides that Kong needs to come, too. So he can be rich and famous. They wrestle Naomi Watts into a boat while she is screaming at them not to hurt the monkey. They chloroform Kong and then...??? Do they put him on the boat? Where? And how do they manage that? (OK, I admit it. I'm being unnecessarily picky here. This is a movie about a giant ape who lives on an island with creepy natives and a bunch of dinosaurs. Clearly, reality is not the biggest concern here.)
Hour three concerns itself with Kong in New York while you will be busy concerning yourself with not putting your head in the oven. Kong breaks free of his chains and rampages through the city, looking for a particular blonde lady with the capability to make at least three facial expressions. Lo and behold, she is looking for him, too. They find each other, he takes her up the side of the Empire State Building, and they stare at each other for awhile. Then the planes come in and start shooting him. (Kong can kick ass when three flesh-eating dinosaurs are chomping at him with razor-sharp teeth, he can even juggle Naomi Watts to keep her away from said teeth whilst fending off the pesky dinos, but he is NO MATCH for some bullets. Wimp.) He dies, Naomi Watts and Adrian Brody embrace atop the Empire State Building, and Jack Black looks sadly at the giant monkey carcass, knowing that his desire for fame and power have brought them all to this point.
And we look sadly at each other, knowing we have squandered 3 hours of our time on this earth.
5 comments:
My sentiments towards the movie were pretty much the same after seeing it. I thought the relationship between Kong and the girl was a little odd myself. Kong seems to be the more differentiated of the two. After he defeats the dinosuares he's walking away and the girl freaks out and calls to him. I thought, does this girl really need a gigantic Ape to feel secure and affirmed? If I were Kong I would have thought "ummmm you seem a little too needy, especially seeing how your a human and Im a GIGANTIC APE!"
Here was my question: how is it that they were able to tie up Kong and sail back with him and a.) he fit on the boat (without sinking it, no less), and b.) never woke up from the chloroform until long after they unloaded him. We are to believe that the ropes held him all that time, but the chains they put on him later popped right off.
Although I agree completely about how awful this movie is, I'm going to have to disagree with you about Gigli being the worst movie ever. That, my friend, would be Lady in the Water. Do NOT see it, no matter how loudly you think the lady is calling your name. That sensation is probably just gas or heartburn, both of which will pass faster than the feeling that you've wasted 2 hours of your life watching the most awful movie ever produced (5 if you add in the time it took to watch Kong). And by the way, you look freaking BEAUTIFUL in the wedding picture on your blog. I want to see more whenever you get the upload thingy to work. And tell Nolan he looks very handsome himself as well.
Saw it from the comfort of my very comfortable couch. Liked the bug scene, but then I was awake for that one. It went on...and on....and on....and....
Still has nothing on Heaven's Gate or the Accidental Tourist for pure krepitude, however.
Monk
many critics, like richard roeper,
thought watts should have been nominated for an oscar--the best blue screen performance ever. the london critics gave her best actress of 2005. the nytimes siad she was the most eloquent sufferer in the history of sound film. you entirely ignored her before she 'met' kong, but no one could do a better job before a blue screen.
you obviously did not see mulholland dr to see how great an actress she really is. many more than 3 expressions.
watch for her oscar nomination for maugham's painted veil (woman in china during cholera epidemic) this december &/or next year for cronenberg's eastern promises (woman exposing the international sex trade).
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